Missing

I'm missing my dad today. 

Sometimes in random ways, my heart is tugged and I feel a longing to have my dad around.

It gets stronger and stronger the longer he is gone.

Tonight I was watching Jack's Jr. Jazz game and I suddenly had this strong desire to have my dad there.

I told John "I wish my dad was here. He would have been an amazing Grandpa had he given himself a chance. He would have been so fun and he would have LOVED watching these games." 

My heart ached. And then I have to go on. 

I talk to him in my mind and heart sometimes. And a few times, I have talked to him out loud. Sometimes mad at him. Other times just saying I wish he was here and that I love him.

Sometimes, often times, I think about how it could have been so different.

He left this life 4 years ago, in just a few days.

He left our family 20.5 years ago.

It was a long process of losing him over the last 20.5 years and by the time he passed away 4 years ago, it was time. He'd been going downhill for a long time. And it was sad. 

He became a different person than the dad I grew up with for 17 years.

My heart aches for my brother Ryan more than anything. Starting when he was 13.

It's strange to have something happen in life that you just can't change.

But wish you could.

You have to think differently and learn to move forward in a good way.

And remember the good times.

And rejoice in the fact that life is eternal.

And families are too.

(In one way or another)