"Sometimes you just suck at being the parent.  Sometimes.  The key is to minimize the number of times you suck at it.  Right?"

Part three

Touching the Hem of God - James Christensen

We all have our infirmities.  When we reach out and have faith in Him, we can be healed.

I asked a good friend who is a nurse practitioner if she would suggest an ENT, I think it was for John and his tonsils.  I decided I would have him check my thyroid.  He tested many things and confirmed my Hashimotos.  I had an ultrasound then a biopsy on a node found in the ultrasound.  It came back inconclusive.

Dr. Stock suggested I might have my thyroid removed and I said "NO WAY".  This was the fall of 2011.  I was not worried about cancer and the last thing I needed at the time was to be laid up with a surgery.  He then cautiously asked if I've ever tried Armour.  I said I hadn't and I was definetly interested.  I started on 90 mg.  A few months later, I went to my family doctor to have my blood tested and he raised my meds to 120 mg.  I couldn't believe it.  I felt better than I had in years.  I knew this medicine was doing something that my synthroid hadn't been doing.  I loved it.

Summer came and the youth in our ward walked from the Bountiful Temple to the Salt Lake Temple.  Families in the ward met at the end and finished the walk to the Salt Lake Temple.  Little John was exhausted.  He couldn't stand anymore.  He said how hard it had been and especially how hard it had been to see other youth with "problems" get in the truck for a ride.  When we got in the car to go home, he instantly fell asleep and couldn't move the rest of the day.  He wasn't well and had been really tired for a couple weeks.  He had been suffering from migraines and we knew something wasn't right.

That night, John took him somewhere with him and while they were gone, I got down on my knees and prayed about him.  A couple questions came to mind and I knew I needed to ask him.  I couldn't wait for him to get home and when he walked in the door, I asked him if he feels depressed.  He said he thinks so.  I asked him if he thinks about death.  He said "sometimes I think that would be easier".  Ahhh.  I KNEW he had thyroid problems and said told him we were going to the doctor on Monday.

Monday morning, I took him in, they tested him and the next day they called with the results that he has Hashimotos and low thyroid.  They put him on meds and we feel like he has been doing so much better.  In fact, about a month ago, his blood was tested and it was normal.  I took him off the meds to see how he'd do and he got another migraine and said he feels better when he's taking medicine, so he's back on.

Just after this diagnosis, I went to the library and checked out every book I could find on the Hashimotos and Hypothyroid.  I skimmed through all of them and became immersed in one of them.  This book is written by a woman who has Hashimotos and Hypothyroid and writes first hand her experiences.  I couldn't put the book down.  From front to back, it was my life.  I cried often.  I took a lot of notes.  I cried at the thought of my son having to deal with this the rest of his life (even though it shouldn't be too bad).  It made me sad that he inherited it from me. 

And for the first time in 22 years, since I was diagnosed, I KNEW so many of my issues and problems I have dealt with have been because of this chronic illness I have. 

My mom happened to call when I was at the end of the book and I couldn't stop crying.  We talked for about 45 minutes and I told her that I'm not as crazy as I thought I was and there is a reason behind all of the horrible moments in my life.  (Some would have happened anyway, I believe).  I was mad.  I was mad at doctors who like to pretend they know everything. I was MAD that no one ever suggested Armour before.  Mad that more could have been done but I was just told over and over and over and over and over......'everythings fine'.  Everything wasn't fine.  My numbers being right and the way I feel are two different things and I wanted meds changed based on how I felt.  Not based on numbers.  I contemplated becoming a thyroid doctor so patients could have someone who REALLY understands what they are going through. 

When I took little John to the endocronologist in Salt Lake, he said, "he's not that bad.  He probably doesn't even need medicine."  I was not happy with him and he confirmed to me again that these doctors really can't make judgements when they haven't been through it themself or at least through a spouse.

I KNOW that the synthroid I had been on for 22 years was not the right medicine for me.  I know that it was not helping my symptoms.  I don't like that little John is on it right now but it's been suggested that he not take Armour yet. 

But even with all of these new things I had learned and with all the tears and anger, I also felt comforted and knew that it all happened in the right time.  I believe that maybe if I had taken Armour or done something different, it would have affected how many children I had or affected those children while I was pregnant with them.  I don't know what the reasons are but I have felt very strong that all of the suffering I went through for so many years was the way it needed to be and Heavenly Father inspired me to make a change in my health in HIS time.

So, I continued tests, changed my medication, and continued on with life.

December came and I kept thinking I would be having surgery.  I told Jolie and John that I don't know if it's real but I keep thinking it will be happening.  So the week before Christmas, I called Dr. Stock's office.  They squeezed me into an appointment they didn't have and we scheduled surgery for a few days later.....December 26th.  He said it was 50/50 that I needed the surgery.  I had a node that had taken over the right side of my thyroid and had been growing throughout the year and if I didn't do surgery, I would have a fine-needle biopsy and ultrasound once a year until it became necessary to have it removed.  Having the surgery could help relieve the Hashimotos symptoms and the only con was that it's a surgery.

I prayed all week and it didn't feel bad so I went ahead with it.  While in surgery, the node was tested for cancer.  If it was cancer, they would remove the entire thyroid and I would stay over night at the hospital.  If it wasn't cancer, they would only remove the right half of the thyroid and and I would go home that day.

As I was waking up after the surgery, my eyes were closed and I was in pain.  I could hear the nurses talking and one said that I would be going home today.  I knew this meant that it wasn't cancer and immediately the words came into my mind "this was the right thing to do".  I felt peace and I knew that for some reason this WAS right.  I don't know what might have happened or what will happen but the comfort at that moment was all I needed. 

Isn't it awesome the way our prayers are answered?!  I didn't have an 'answer' to prayer before the surgery, other than that it didn't feel wrong.  Having a vital organ removed isn't something you can just go back on and change your mind about but AFTER the surgery is when I really had an answer to my prayers.  The confirmation that I did do the right thing.  Isn't that neat?!

Luckily John was able to take a few days off of work and stay home with the kids.  I slept on the couch or in my bed for a few days.  I was completely out of it.  I have recollections of people coming or calling but no real memories of any of it.  No one but family knew I was having the surgery so slowly neighbors were finding out.  John's sisters paid to have a couple girls come clean my house for an hour and my aunt and mom and Jolie brought us dinners.  So did my good neighbor, Holly.  People still took care of us but John was amazing.  He did it all.  He played with the kids, fed the kids, and played the role of mom, dad, homemaker, nurse, cleaner, cook, and everything in between for several days.  I am very grateful.

My doctor said they don't feel concerned about a thyroid unless it is over 3 mm.  My right half was an inch.  It was diagnoed as Hashimotos something and I'm glad it's out.

It's been a little over a month and it still feels swollen.  I have a beautiful 2 inch scar across my neck.  It looks like I've had  a trach.  My voice never works completely and mostly works very little.  I can't sing and I can't yell.  In the beginning I was actually praying that my voice would stay away until I learned new ways to discipline my children.  I don't pray for that anymore but don't mind that it's still gone for that reason.  :)  It gets a little frustrating at times because it takes so much effort to use my voice.  I miss singing in primary or at all and my children and husband have accused me of sounding ornery.

I went in last week and had my voice box looked at.  One side isn't closing properly and he wants to see me back in a month.  He said the longest he has seen a voice be gone is 6 months and it should come back because they tested it after the surgery and it was fine.

I feel pretty good.  I'll have my blood tested next week to see how my levels are but I don't think they'll be much different.  I'm anxious to find out.  I keep pretty good track of my body and I've noticed things are a little out of wack so I'm interested to see if my body gets on a new cycle.

So, although I know I have had depression at times in my life and I come by it honestly through my genes, I have learned this year and KNOW that so many of my problems and hard times were because of my thyroid issues. YEAH!!!!

To sum it all up, it's not just the medicine or the therapist.  Its about taking the road to finding what will help in whatever it is that needs help.  For everyone it is something different.  Most important part is to NOT GIVE UP.  Work continually in the little teeny ways I can.  Line upon line.

I'm not cured.  Probably never will be.  But it's a daily decision I have to make.  A decision I have to make moment by moment as my day happens.  What I choose to be my reaction, matters.  How I choose to let myself feel, matters.  And there are plenty of days when I lay around and do absolutely nothing.  So be it.  I survived and my family survived. 

I've had to find out what I could do to survive in each of the steps in my life. 

I feel a lot better the last year.  I believe life circumstances have made a difference as well.  Where we are in our life.  But I would never be able to have good days like I do now if I didn't take the path of discovering me.  What I need.  What my body needs.  How to help myself.  Zoloft at times in my life has rescued me.  Therapy rescued me at a critical time in my life. Friends and family have rescued me many times over, not even knowing they have done so.  It has happened with a random phone call .  Especially from my mom. 

Somehow without knowing, my mom knew what I needed.  More than once.  I've brought up some of these times to her and she doesn't even remember them.  I have been rescued by OTHERS need for help.  It's amazing what focusing on someone else for a while can do to a soul.  This is why I pray every day, when I remember, to be inspired to things I can do for others or serve others.  It works, by golly.  Church callings.  Wow, there have been times when I just could not do it but I did it anyway, and it rescued me.  An invitation, connecting with someone/anyone in desperate moments.  They've come up and rescued me.  I've been blessed and I am very grateful and I am still learning.  I Always will be.

LDS thought came on my email the other day and it went along perfectly with all of my own thoughts.

 "Patience — the ability to put our desires on hold for a time — is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter. Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."

--President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Continue in Patience", May 2010 Ensign It's a path.  A path that requires patience with ourselves and the knowledge that we will survive when we rely on  and have unwavering faith in our Heavenly Father.

Part Two

After Darkness, Sun - James Christensen

So after getting off Zoloft, I was still struggling to feel peace.  I didn't feel like I was moving forward.  No matter how hard I tried or what I did, I couldn't knock the overall feeling of BLAH.  I was going nowhere and going nowhere means you are going downhill.

One day I knew I couldn't go on anymore the way I was going and the solution for me was family services.  I stopped at the local LDS family services and told them I needed to talk to someone about self-esteem issues, etc.  They scheduled me an appointment to come back.  I was nervous.  The day of my appointment, I had a doctor appointment for Sam or Leah and it went late so I was going to be late already to my appointment and knew I needed to go straight there.  I prayed, then called Jolie.  She saved me.  (Again.  She's good at that and has done it a lot.)  She's out a lot and happened to be close right then so she met me at the place and took my kids.  Answer to prayer.  I KNEW I couldn't miss this appointment.  I had the guts to get there and I couldn't miss it.. 

My first appointment I laid it all on the table.  When it was over, I scheduled another appointment for the next week and left with homework.  I didn't like what I had to do but I did it.  I went back the next week and continued and left again with more homework and not enjoying the things I was asked to do.  I went for four more weeks and enjoyed these four weeks.  As I'd go about my week, I'd enjoy my homework and I would think of more things I wanted to talk about.  I'd make a list and discuss it the next meeting.  She gave me handouts and homework and she made so much sense to me.    I scheduled my next appointment for two weeks out.  I wasn't sure what we'd talk about but came up with a couple things.  We quickly got through those and she said I am right where I should be and we know I'm close when I can't think of what to talk about.  She scheduled one more appointment.  I tried to come up with anything because I loved talking things through.  But there wasn't much.  The next appointment she asked if I wanted another appointment.  I said I wanted to schedule one for one month away "just in case".  She said no.  She said she didn't want me to have a crutch and she'd be here to schedule an appointment if I 'really' needed her.  She also said that the purpose of therapy is to teach us to be our own therapist and I was doing great.  So that was that.  

I was a new person.  Truly, a new person.  At least I felt like one.  I continued to work on the things I learned.  I read and studied and my life changed.  I felt happy.  I enjoyed my life and from the day I walked in to get help, Heavenly Father opened my heart and let all the learning I wasn't open to learn for two full years, pour in.  I was learning faster than I thought possible.  And my testimony was strengthened.  When we do all we can on our part, He will make up the rest.  I did it.  My last step in my 'getting better' process was to seek help from the professionals offered.  I humbled myself and I'll never forget the way heaven opened.

Life went on and I kept moving forward and it was wonderful.  I made big strides in 2012.
 And that doesn't mean life has been perfect.  I continue with ups and downs but I am now confident of my path.  My path of moving forward and continually finding what I need to get better.  I'm confident because I made some uncomfortable but necessary steps.

I am great at pressuring myself.  At least I use to be.  I let what other people say or do pressure me and make me feel inadequate.  I was doing this to myself and this is something I've worked hard on.  I've learned that I do have the same 'cleaning, organizing, being amazing" desires as my mom and Jolie.  I just don't have the capability to do it all.  And THAT'S OKAY.  I'm learning to let others be themselves and learning to let me be me.
It was hard for a long time to see others do the things I wish I was/could be doing.  Turns out, I just needed to change my frame of mind.
Thanks to Heidi who sent me a card about 13 years ago and I refer to it often.  It said "If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

I thought about having another baby.  It was time, right?  Leah was getting older and it was the process.  ;)

It had been on my mind for a while.  On the way home from seeing John's sister, her husband, and their new baby at the hospital (same sister in law as in part one:), John and I had a great talk and we decided we would have another baby.  It felt like the right thing to do and we were happy.

I don't remember if it was later that night or the next morning but the coolest thing happened.  I was 'told' in my mind "take care of your health".  I had the calmest feeling and knew that having a baby was not the right thing for me. I knew that my health needed attention.  I felt good.  I told this same sister in law about this experience and she suggested that maybe Heavenly Father was testing me and He helped me to recognize that once again, I am willing to do whatever it is HE wants me to do.  Even though I had hoped to be done with kids, I was willing and happy about it.  And on this note, one thing I know about myself so far, is I really am willing to find out what it is Heavenly Father has in store for me and my family and do it, whether I want to or not.  It's happened many times and many of those times were really hard to move forward.  Some of those times, I KNEW I was just being tested to see if I would do His will.  Turns out those things really were His will, and I went through with them.

So I became proactive with  my health and I made appointments with new doctors. . . . .

Part One.

Sometimes the Spirit Touches us through Our Weaknesses - James Christensen

 (I am lucky because I have always loved this picture and early in our marriage, my husband bought it for me.  Saddest part is that it still isn't framed.  Guess I'll make that priority and get it done.)

I use to "think" I had BAD depression.  I use the word think loosely because I know at times I have had bad depression.  I beat myself up because I heard over and over that people wouldn't be depressed if they would just read their scriptures, go to the temple, and if their life was on the right path.  That's just not true.  I've put it to the test.  I made it even worse for myself by telling myself I just wasn't living right.  Thing is, I was living right.  I needed more help and luckily I sucked it up and got the exact help I needed.  Twice. 

  I had suffered for many years and one time my sister in law was sharing her feelings with me after she had a miscarriage.  The part I won't forget is her saying that she "hated everybody, hated everything" and she felt extremely down.  I questioned her because I was told my feelings were the result of motherhood.  "It just gets hard sometimes."  "You mean this isn't normal for you?"  I asked.  I asked her if she'd ever felt this way.  She said no and right then I knew I was suffering more than I needed to.  These feelings for her came after a traumatic situation in her life.  These feelings were just a part of my life.  I felt that way EVERY SINGLE DAY for months and months and even years off and on.  For 8 long years to be precise.  It was a battle every single day to do anything.  My poor kids and my poor husband.  They suffered just as much if not more than me.  My husband is NEVER mean to me and I remember one time when I started to complain, he mocked me saying  "I know. You're going crazy.  You can't handle anything."  And wow.  I remember that clearly because he was hearing it every day.  I couldn't handle life. But boy was I good at putting on a show when I needed to.

One day around this same time, I was pregnant with Jack, we lived in student housing in Provo and my husband was gone a lot.  I was sitting in a slump on the couch unable to do anything and really just wanting to "disappear".  That's the feeling I've had way too many times in my life.  I wanted nothing.  I just wanted to disappear.  Well on this one day, my three little kids were playing on the floor in front of me and little John jumped up with a blanket over his head and I lost it.  Such a simple little thing but it was the final straw and what broke me.  And I'll never forget it.  If I hadn't had that conversation with my sister in law, I would have gone on continuing to fool myself  and would have probably done something I would have regretted.  I don't doubt it.  Luckily I was blessed with that experience within days of this moment.  It was fresh in my mind and I stood up and called the student health center and said "I need help."

I was put on Zoloft and I still say to this day that age 28 was the best year of my life.  I felt happy and content with my life.  I lost weight.  I felt good.  I felt so good that about a year later, I got off Zoloft and I went right back to my depressed ways.

The second time I asked my doctor for Zoloft again was after I had Leah.  Circumstances in my life affected me in a way that I was a bump on a log.  I sat.  I cried.  I couldn't stop crying.  All day.  That is all I did.  My poor kids suffered again.  One day when I laughed, Emily said "I haven't heard you laugh in a long time". My family would ask me to smile.  My heart aches to even think about what I put them through. 

When I got on Zoloft, I stopped crying.  I could function in my daily life a little more and after about a year, I decided it was time to get off because I was feeling numb.  This time I felt like getting off was the right thing BUT it saved me for that year.  I had just had a baby and I spent more time in the temple than I ever had.  (even before I got on Zoloft).   I prayed, I fasted, I never missed my scriptures.  Once again, it was confirmed to me that my depression was not because I was not living right.  It just happens to some of us.  It's in our make up with some of us.  And at times and to some, it happens because of situations or life circumstances.

My husband is ALWAYS happy.  Always full of energy and always a pleasant person to be around.  He has spent enough time with me and tried to help me enough that he now has the same testimony I have on this matter.  He KNOWS that some people really do need help.  He has seen what I've been through and the difference in me when I'm getting help, in all different ways. The important part is if you get help, to not give up on those important things we need to do every day.  Those things come first but sometimes there are other measures that need to be taken and it is so important to know yourself enough to KNOW when you need help and SEEK out that help in any way needed.  And to not be afraid of it.

So after I took myself off, I started to cry again.  This time it felt good to cry.  It had been a long time.  I KNEW at this time in my life that I COULD NOT miss one day of reading my scriptures.  It wasn't good for me and I could feel it.  I haven't lost that testimony.  We need our scriptures and prayer EVERY DAY.  Not just when we're going through depression or whatever hard thing in life.

I just now realized and KNOW that prayer, scriptures, fasting, the temple and the basics are what STRENGTHENED me enough to SURVIVE those feelings.  Not cure them.

 And this is where this post will have to end today.  But there is more.

I've got to get moving but this post and these thoughts came out of nowhere.  I was reading an article on KSL called "4 Ways to Fight the Recession Blues".  I'm not having recession blues.  :)  I just liked what it had to say for any type of blues.  I copied what I have pasted below because I wanted it saved somewhere and this is where I save stuff like that.  I pasted and suddenly my hands were typing.  And here we are.

 Recognize Your Emotions (Don't Cover Them)

  
Recognize What You Can't Control

Realize What You Can Control, And Take Action

Realize That Happiness is a Choice
My thoughts:  the key even in depression when it doesn't feel possible, is to not give up.  Making it priority to work on these things, is you choosing to try and find happiness. And sometimes that's hard. The other option is to not try and continue to suffer.

(Our family theme this year is YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY and it's working.  Bit by bit.  At least we're trying.)

Other ways to overcome depression: 

(the blues in any way, if you don't want to say "depression") 

In fact, I'm going to change it to 

 Keys to happiness:

• Expressing gratitude
• Practicing acts of kindness
• Nurturing relationships
• Savoring life's joys
• Practicing religion or spirituality

I CLEANED MY ROOM!!!

 

(It's almost done)

 

haha

Don't know where this is going......

I wish I had beautiful pictures to post with any of my posts.  I would love a nice camera that was easy enough to figure out and I wouldn't have to learn some program to download all my pictures to and change the colors, etc.  Real photographers are laughing because I really have no idea what I'm talking about.

Point is, I need to get a decent camera so I can keep documenting our lives on here with words and pictures.  I love doing that.

I love to journal.  I have my "journal".  The real one that I've had for years and years.  I have several journals before that one.  I have a "spiritual journal".  It's been going for many years as well and goes with me to any meeting that I think I  might find inspiration.  It sits with me during conferences and stays with my scriptures.  I enjoy reading back on all the things that have uplifted and encouraged me.  

I also have this "blog journal".  I love to document our family life here and write about random thoughts I have.

My random thought at the moment is January.  What a dreary time of year.  It starts great with renewal.  Cleaning up Christmas and cleaning the house.  But then everything looks colorless and lifeless.  Especially in my house right now.  I have had the same decorations for many years and I'm not great at decorating.  I've packed up most of my decor and my coffee table sits empty, waiting for a chance for me to run to a 'fun' store and find something to put on it.  Just the right touch.  Yet I have no idea what that is.  I'm hoping when I see it, it will jump out at me.

My front room also needs a chair.  A colorful chair.

The snow is beautiful and the few days it was snowing, it felt calm and cold and peaceful and beautiful.  Then it stops and the beautiful white snow starts to get dirty and it's still cold.  Teens for highs.  Negatives for lows.  It's icy and starting to get smoggy and the little bit of color left is disappearing and we are left with dreariness.  

I'm trying hard to ALWAYS choose to be happy.  So when I see this snow, I try to convince myself how wonderful it is.  It really isn't that bad.  I just find myself longing for spring.  Green and flowers and warm weather.  Alas, I will enjoy the winter wonderland while we have it.

It's been 3 weeks since my thyroid was removed.  I've had lots of acne.  Sweet.  I go back next week and I am anxious to see what my blood levels are doing.  I also want to learn a lot more about the thyroid and it's functions.  My voice is usually gone.  It appears here and there for a moment at a time but usually gone.  I don't mind.  It gets annoying fast but I'm praying that I learn new ways of dealing with my life.....without raising my voice.  It's not going very well yet.  My entire family keeps asking why I sound so mad all the time.  I guess that's what happens when there isn't much tone and my voice is having to force it's way out.

I went to the chiropractor for the first time ever.  John has been trying to get me to go for years for my posture mostly.  I hate it like I hate the dentist.  I think cracking anything is disgusting.  Including fingers.  So the thought of what is being done to me and the sound, is not good.  I have headaches almost always and I feel like my body needs tweaked.  Turns out I have all kinds of problems so I've started the process of getting fixed.  Hopefully.  Little John is going as well.  The way he sleeps and twists his body, worries me so I wanted him to get checked as well. I believe in chiropractors and acupuncture and reflexology and more natural ways of healing and curing and preventing.  Not that I'm against medicine because I'm not.

I'm determined to be happy.  I'm trying.  I get down easy and that stinks.  

John and I have been asked to be the directors in our ward for a Stake Youth Road Show.  Topic is dress and appearance from For the Strength of Youth pamphlet.  The play is in March.  Should be fun but they just yesterday decided to ask us to speak in sacrament in two weeks.  Topic is Stand Ye in Holy Places and be not moved.  It's the youth theme this year.  They said take it in whatever direction we want. 

My thoughts first went to the temple and the temple being our ultimate goal.  My thoughts then went to our home being like the temple.  I'm tossing some things around and trying to figure out my own feelings about it right now.  It's fine.  I like to speak, always have, but not so much when I have to 'teach'.  I like when someone writes something for me and I just have to read it. At least I use to like that.  As I am writing this, I am realizing I don't care so much anymore and I enjoy the opportunity to study and learn so I am looking forward to what there is for me to learn about Standing in Holy Places.

Well, I guess I should get kids in bed.  John had city council at 5:30 and is gone until who knows when.  I made Italian soup and cornbread for dinner.  At 5:55 I said "dinners ready".  Jack looked at me and said "pack meeting".  Yup!  5 minutes until pack meeting.  Oops.  Emily, Thomas, Jack, and I ate quick and ran out.  Made it at 6:15.  Emily came with because she had to be at the church at 6:30.  John was picked up at 6:40 to get to the church and turns out Sam and Leah were left at home for a few minutes.  I called and talked to Sam until I made it home.  We had ice cream, got ready for bed, and are hanging out wasting time for a minute now.  I am going to go read with them and HOPE they fall asleep quickly.

Thomas is 10 until April but went to 11 year old scouts.  Kind of a strange feeling to just be home with my three youngest while my older three are out being old and mature.  

Today was a pretty good day.  I talked to my grandma Jamison on the phone for 2 hours.  It was lovely and I'm looking forward to doing it again next week. I stayed busy with bills and cleaning out my purse and making appointments and phone calls and hmmmmm, I don't think I cleaned, but when the kids got home, we worked on homework immediately, I didn't argue with anyone, we had dinner, and hopefully can make it to bed without a real issue.  Lots of drops of awesome today and that is all I am going to let myself think of because if I think of all the things I didn't do, I'll get depressed really quick.

Choose to be happy.

Oh!  One more thing!  Anyone happen to read this? Want to be my exercise buddy?  I am super uncoordinated and don't exercise EVER but my body has been craving it for a few months now.  If I don't do something about it soon, my body will probably give up and I'll go right back to hating even the thought of it.  HOW DO I GET MYSELF STARTED? I need a friend.

my x rays from the chiropractor.  That curve below on the bottom picture should not be so curved.  We're working on that and my head tilt right now.  I've been sore for two days because of that one appointment of cracking my body into place.  yuck.

1/12

In October, M. Russell Ballard referenced the example of the honey bee as a creature that only generates 1/12 of a teaspoon of honey in its short lifetime, yet when added to the efforts of the beehive, the result is substantial.

He added this challenge:

"In your morning prayer each new day, ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children. Then go throughout the day with your heart full of faith and love, looking for someone to help. Stay focused, just like the honeybees focus on the flowers from which to gather nectar and pollen. If you do this, your spiritual sensitivities will be enlarged and you will discover opportunities to serve that you never before realized were possible."

I've done this and it works!  I need to remember to ask and be better at it.  I KNOW when I ask for an opportunity to serve, I am given that opportunity.  He waits for us to ask.  There is plenty to do.  He just needs willingness from us.

HAPPY NEW YEAR - 2013

Whatever happens this year will happen, its how I deal with it that matters.

2013!

Should be a great year.

I'm having some reservations about it.

Naturally.

13 has always been my favorite number but the last big 13 milestone in my life ended up being the worst celebration of 13 ever.

This has made me a little afraid for this next 13.

2012 was a decent year.  It started rough but soon before halfway through, I made some BIG changes.  It quickly became a year of conquering feelings and moving forward.  I made BIG steps to improve myself in ways only I know.  These aren't silly ways, these are ways that will lead to a better me for eternity.  They were desperately needed and wow, when I opened my heart and became willing to get better and be better and do better in the ways I needed, miracles happened.

A huge prayer of thanks needs to be given from me.

It's wonderful at this moment, to sit here alone in my room, and think back on and feel how blessed I have been this year.  It is an amazing feeling and I AM THANKFUL.

Thankful for Heavenly Father who knew what I needed and whether I liked it or not, let me have it and deal with it and get through it and eventually conquer it so I could become more of who he wants and needs me to be.

Thankful for my Savior who made all of that above, possible.

So this year of 13, I am coming in cautiously but with desires to be and do better.

There have been job changes, could be more.  Kids are growing up, getting bigger, smarter, harder, better.  I look forward to what lies ahead.

As I went through a busy and crazy and stressful December 2012, thoughts and feelings would come to me.  I knew what needed to be my focus this next year.  The thoughts made their own process and naturally produced what they did.  I didn't have to think hard.  That's the beauty of this.  I didn't have to TRY to come up with things, it was very natural and I know I have been led to focus more on what I need to focus on at this time in my life.

I believe in Heavenly Father.  I believe He knows my heart and He knows how important fresh starts are for me.  He knows how much time and thought and energy I put in to wanting to be a better person and trying to be a better person.  And I believe because of these desires I have, He has blessed me to have a natural thought process in things like this. 

He also blessed me to get sick just a few days before Christmas.  How do I know?  Because the day I got sick, I knew I had been staying up way too late and I had been way too stressed and I could not come up with even one thing that was important enough to let myself feel the stress I did.  When I got sick, I suddenly KNEW that none of the 'stuff' mattered.  It really didn't and doesn't.  I was able to quickly focus on a few things I had started and calmly get them done and not worry so much about whatever it was I was stressing over. 

I was given a blessing on Christmas Eve by John and Ryan.  It was a nice blessing and exactly what I needed.  I got better.  Mentally more than physically.  That night, getting ready for Christmas, went smoothly and peacefully and whatever needed done, got done.

I slept on Christmas, I enjoyed my family and I was amazed by my husband. 

I was also reminded of the Christmas season the year before.  I remember having so many of the same stressful feelings that month.  I get really bothered by those feelings because I so desperately want the month to be peaceful and calm and Christ centered.

Christmas Eve 2011, I finally found myself on the floor of my closet, praying my heart out.  I was then surrounded with love.  A question I had been asking for many years and was asking over and over while praying in my closet, was answered.  It was answered!  And not only that but I KNEW how much my Heavenly Father loved me.  I KNEW IT!  It was beautiful and one year later, when I let myself get bogged down with unneccesary feelings once again, in His way, He reminded me AGAIN, what is most important.  He turned my heart again.

The day after Christmas, I had the right half of my thyroid removed.  I have been having thyroid problems since 8th grade.  While in class, I was called to the office to talk to the vice principal.  Turns out I had a teacher who knew about goiters and noticed my neck wasn't normal and informed the principal who informed me and my parents and the process started.  I'm thankful for that teacher and I love him for being more than just a teacher.  Thank you Mr. Cox.  Only reason I know it was him is because I was called out during his class so I assume that's the teacher that took notice.  A friend, Ryan Linton, in that class called me a camel.  I never really understood why.  I was never hurt by it, I just didn't understand it. Turns out he had reason!!

So 22 years later, many drugs and heartache and struggle and weirdness and on and on and on, it felt like surgery was the right thing to do.  One year earlier it was suggested and I said no way.  This time I had a feeling it would be coming out.

So after the surgery, as I was waking up, I felt pain.  Ugh.  I was also trying to listen and I heard the nurses say "she will be going home today".  I knew this meant that there was no cancer and only half of my thyroid was removed.  (If there was cancer, they would have removed the enitre thyroid and I would have stayed over at the hospital).  As soon as I heard this, I felt comfort in "having my thyroid out was the right thing to do".  I don't know why or what could have or would have happened with it left in or what will happen now that it's out but it sure was a nice feeling, laying there in pain, feeling peace that I did the right thing.

John took the next several days off of work and our family spent the entire Christmas break home together.  I was out of it most of the time and just yesterday started to feel better.  What I have loved the most this last week is my husband.  I have been amazed with him.  I have no voice, no energy, and he has completely taken over all of the mothering, fathering, and cleaning and has been AWESOME!!!  I have felt more love for him day after day than ever.  I have been blessed with an amazing man to go through this life and beyond!  I am grateful for my kids.  They love me and I know it, even when they are not showing it.  My family and John's family and good neighbors have given so much love through calls and emails and meals and anything they know how to do.  I am grateful.  I am blessed.

So what's been on my mind?  (besides all of that)

LOVE MORE

ENJOY LIFE MORE. 

ENJOY EACH OTHER MORE.

LAUGH MORE.

These things along with the continual:

Keep Simplifying

Quietly and With Love

(deep meaning for ME)

Here's to 2013!

May YOURS and MINE be full of happiness and love and blessings!