"mother's" Day

I used to post a lot of my thoughts and feelings.
I've stopped letting myself have so many thoughts and feelings and especially sharing them and I'm not sure it's doing me any good.
And I'm about to burst.

Today is Mother's Day.
There are some in my home who have tried to make it nice.  I'm grateful for that.  There are a couple who have made it so painful that I've found myself in tears several times today wondering why it's been so hard and why I haven't been able to do a better job. 
I haven't taught my children to work hard or love to be together.  And it hurts. 

I don't expect perfect.  I really don't.  But I do hope for a little more love.

A few years ago, Mother's day was a frustrating day because I worked just as hard as every other day and still got to listen to all the arguing.  From what I hear, this is pretty normal.  I think kids sometimes struggle with the idea of there being a focus on someone else and not just on themselves....again.  I think some mom's struggle because we HOPE for just one day of no arguing or of kindness. 
I didn't want to hate the day anymore so I made a change.  I decided to show my children how much I love being a mother and do my job really well.
Same plan was for today.  I wrote them all cards and told them each three reasons I love to be there mom.  We had a beautiful breakfast with help from John and a beautiful dinner, again with help from John.  Everything in between has been filled with non stop arguing and hatred and even kids letting me know how awful and mean and ornery I am. 
I have not been these things today but it's all a couple kids see.  And it hurts.  And I'm tired.  And I don't know what to do.
I've been pleading for years to be a better mother.  More kind, more quiet, more loving.  I suppose I'm better than I'd be had I not been praying but I don't understand why it hasn't come just a little bit easier.  That statement sounds full of ingratitude.  I am grateful and I am trying to see and I do know there is so much good.
I have really good kids who want to do what's right.  I just can't seem to figure out how to help them enjoy being together.  EVER. 
Now to some, they might say, oh this is normal.  That's how kids are.  I'm telling you....if you were a fly on the wall in our home, you would be shocked to see the absolute opposition to being helpful from some and the absolute opposition to enjoying each other from some. 

So here are my thoughts for today and maybe I need to start letting them out a little again. 

It's just been a day of wondering where I've gone wrong and how can I be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, neighbor, friend. 

Thank goodness for another day.  And more prayers.  And more pleading.  And more trying.  And more HOPE!!

Happy Mother's Day to my mom, my  mother in law, my sisters and sisters in law, my aunts, and grandmas!  I feel connected and loved by all of you and feel so much love for you.  My connections to you are deep and meaningful in ways I think only I understand.  I am very blessed.

And even with all this "complaining", I know how blessed I am.  I AM grateful.
And now, I am going to go do the dinner dishes and put away the dinner that's been sitting out for an hour because my kids can't see or something.  Then maybe I can get the house cleaned up again since it has fallen apart since my efforts from yesterday of giving myself a clean home for Mothers Day.

And last but not least, John's been trying.  He's been working hard.  Sadly, his efforts with the children haven't been paying off either. 

Sigh.

Happy Kids Day again!!!